Come As You Are

Understanding Responsive Desire

First, let's look at the idea of "spontaneous" versus "responsive" desire.

Nagoski introduces us to the concept of responsive desire. Think of it like this: you're not particularly hungry, but then you walk into a bakery, smell the fresh bread, and suddenly your stomach starts rumbling.

It's not about desire appearing out of nowhere; it's about your body and mind responding to a trigger, whether it's a touch, a fantasy, or a romantic gesture. "Come As You Are" emphasizes that responsive desire is incredibly common, especially in long-term relationships.

So, how do you cultivate responsive desire? It starts with understanding your own unique triggers. What turns you on? What makes you feel safe, connected, and desired? The key is to pay attention to your body and mind and learn what works for you.

The Dual Control Model: Accelerator and Brake

Next, let’s talk about the Dual Control Model.

This is a really powerful framework for understanding how arousal works. Imagine your brain has two systems: a sexual accelerator and a sexual brake.

The accelerator is all about noticing and responding to sexual stimuli – everything that turns you on. The brake, on the other hand, is all about noticing potential threats or reasons to *not* be aroused. "Come As You Are" explains that everyone has both, but sensitivity varies.

Arousal isn't just about finding the "right" button to push. It's about the interplay between these two systems. And it's often about *reducing* the things that activate the brake, rather than just trying to slam on the accelerator.

Get to know your own accelerator and brake. What turns you on? What turns you off? What makes you feel safe and relaxed? What makes you feel anxious or stressed? Once you understand your own system, you can start to create conditions that favor arousal.

The Power of Context

Let’s pause here and try to understand context.

It's not just about the immediate situation, like whether you're in a romantic setting or not. It's about your entire internal and external environment.

Nagoski uses the analogy of a garden. You can have the best seeds in the world (your inherent sexuality), but if the soil is poor (your context), those seeds won't thrive. "Come As You Are" highlights that context includes physical health, mental well-being, relationship dynamics, cultural background, past experiences, and even current stress levels.

Taking care of your physical and mental health is essential. This means getting enough sleep, eating well, managing stress, and addressing any underlying mental health issues. It also means paying attention to your relationship dynamics.

When you understand the power of context, you can stop blaming yourself for not feeling aroused or for not enjoying sex as much as you think you "should." You can start to create the conditions that allow your natural sexuality to flourish. "Come As You Are" encourages this understanding.

Understanding Your Sexual Temperament

Let’s dive into a practical tool Nagoski offers, the Sexual Temperament Questionnaire.

This isn't a test to see how "good" you are at sex. It's a tool to help you understand your unique sexual response style, specifically your accelerator and brake sensitivity.

The questionnaire asks a series of questions about how you respond to various sexual and non-sexual stimuli. Based on your answers, you'll get a sense of whether you have a sensitive or insensitive accelerator and a sensitive or insensitive brake. "Come As You Are" provides this tool for self-discovery.

The author suggests a really helpful exercise: creating a "turn-on" and "turn-off" list. This is exactly what it sounds like. Take some time to reflect on what things excite you sexually and what things dampen your desire.

Shifting Focus from Orgasm to Pleasure

Now, let's address a common challenge: the pressure to orgasm.

Our culture often places a huge emphasis on orgasm as the ultimate goal of sex. But Nagoski argues that this pressure can actually *inhibit* pleasure and create anxiety.

She encourages us to shift our focus from orgasm as a destination to pleasure as a journey. "Come As You Are" challenges the traditional view of orgasm.

Remember, orgasm is not the only measure of a good sexual experience. Connection, intimacy, pleasure, and fun are all equally important. And sometimes, sex without orgasm can be just as satisfying, or even more satisfying, than sex that culminates in orgasm.

The Importance of Self-Compassion

What surprised me most about "Come As You Are" is how much emphasis Nagoski places on self-compassion.

It's not just about understanding the science of sex; it's about being kind to yourself, accepting your own unique experiences, and letting go of shame and self-judgment.

This changes how we approach our own sexuality. Instead of criticizing ourselves for not being "normal" or for not responding in a certain way, we can embrace our individuality and celebrate the diversity of human sexual experience. "Come As You Are" promotes self-acceptance.

Next time you find yourself feeling frustrated or disappointed with your sexual response, remember the core messages of this book. Remember that desire can be responsive, that context is everything, and that your accelerator and brake are unique to you. You are normal, you are whole, and you are worthy of pleasure.

• Responsive Desire: Desire doesn't always have to be spontaneous; it can be triggered by stimuli, like a touch or a romantic gesture. It's common, especially in long-term relationships. The book "Come As You Are" explains this.
• Dual Control Model: Arousal involves a sexual accelerator (turn-ons) and a sexual brake (turn-offs). Everyone's sensitivity to these varies. "Come As You Are" helps to understand this.
• Context is Everything: Internal and external factors, like stress, health, and cultural messages, significantly impact sexual experiences. "Come As You Are" emphasizes this point.
• Sexual Temperament Questionnaire: A tool to understand your unique sexual response style (accelerator and brake sensitivity), featured in "Come As You Are".
• Turn-On and Turn-Off Lists: Create lists to identify specific triggers and inhibitors of desire, as suggested in "Come As You Are".
• Pleasure Over Orgasm: Focus on the journey of pleasure, not just the destination of orgasm. "Come As You Are" encourages this shift.
• Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself, accept your unique experiences, and let go of shame. The core message of "Come As You Are".
• Understand that your feelings and experiences are valid. "Come As You Are" shows that there's no single "normal".
• "Come As You Are" stresses the importance of open communication with your partner.

• Women seeking a deeper understanding of their own sexuality and how it works.
• Individuals experiencing challenges with desire, arousal, or orgasm, and looking for science-backed solutions.
• Anyone feeling pressure to conform to societal expectations about sex and wanting to embrace their unique sexual experience.
• Partners of women who want to better understand and support their loved one's sexual well-being. The book "Come As You Are" offers insights.
• People in long-term relationships looking to cultivate responsive desire and maintain a fulfilling sex life.
• Those interested in learning about the Dual Control Model (sexual accelerator and brake) and how it impacts arousal.
• Individuals wanting to challenge negative cultural messages about sex and cultivate a more positive sexual context.
• Anyone seeking to move beyond the pressure of orgasm and focus on pleasure as a journey. The book "Come As You Are" is perfect for this.
• Readers looking for practical tools, like the Sexual Temperament Questionnaire, to understand their unique sexual response style.
• Individuals who want to approach their sexuality with self-compassion and let go of shame and self-judgment.
• Anyone ready to embrace their sexuality and explore their desires, as the title suggests: "Come As You Are".

How does the 'Sexual Temperament' concept, explored by Emily Nagoski in 'Come As You Are', affect individual responses to sexual stimuli?

• Amygdala: The emotional part of the brain that responds to stress and threats. It can interfere with sexual arousal.
• Stress Response: Stress, anxiety, and negative emotions can activate the amygdala, making it harder to become aroused.
• Context: By reducing stress and creating a safe and comfortable environment, you can help calm the amygdala and facilitate sexual response.

In 'Come As You Are', how does Emily Nagoski describe the 'Brakes' and 'Accelerator' metaphor in relation to sexual response?

• Sexual Temperament: The idea that everyone has a unique pattern of responsiveness to sexual stimuli. It's like a fingerprint, no two are exactly alike.
• Self-Awareness: Understanding your own sexual temperament can help you identify what turns you on and what turns you off.
• Communication: Knowing your partner's sexual temperament can help you create a more fulfilling sexual experience for both of you.

What is the significance of 'Context' in shaping sexual experiences, according to Emily Nagoski's 'Come As You Are'?

• Accelerator: The system in our brain that responds to sexual cues and triggers arousal. It's like a gas pedal.
• Brakes: Things like stress, anxiety, and negative body image can act as brakes, inhibiting sexual response.
• Balance: Understanding the balance between your accelerator and brakes can help you manage your sexual response.

How does Emily Nagoski's 'Come As You Are' address the concept of 'Nonconcordance' in sexual arousal?

• Context: The environment, relationship, and internal state that influence sexual response. It's not just about the specific sexual stimulus.
• Positive Context: Feeling safe, relaxed, and connected to your partner can enhance sexual response.
• Negative Context: Stress, anxiety, or a negative body image can inhibit sexual response.

According to 'Come As You Are' by Emily Nagoski, what is the role of 'Emotional Brain' in sexual function?

• Nonconcordance: The lack of agreement between genital arousal and subjective feelings of arousal. It's common and normal, especially in women.
• Physiological Response: Genital arousal can occur in response to a variety of stimuli, not all of which are sexually relevant or desired.
• Self-Acceptance: Understanding nonconcordance can help reduce anxiety and shame around sexual response.

In 'Come As You Are', how does Emily Nagoski explain the concept of 'Arousal Non-Concordance'?

• Emotional Brain: The part of the brain that processes emotions and plays a crucial role in sexual desire and arousal.
• Positive Emotions: Positive emotions like joy, excitement, and love can enhance sexual response.
• Negative Emotions: Negative emotions like fear, anger, and sadness can inhibit sexual response.

How does 'Come As You Are' by Emily Nagoski, describe the impact of 'SIS/SES' on sexual desire?

• Arousal Non-Concordance: The mismatch between physical signs of arousal and the subjective feeling of being aroused. It is normal and common.
• Mind-Body Disconnect: It can happen when the body responds to sexual stimuli, but the mind doesn't register it as arousal.
• Improved Communication: Understanding this can reduce anxiety and improve communication with partners.

What are practical applications of understanding the 'Dual Control Model' as presented in Emily Nagoski's 'Come As You Are'?

• SIS/SES: SIS stands for Sexual Inhibition System, and SES stands for Sexual Excitation System. These two systems regulate sexual desire.
• Dual Control Model: SIS is like the brakes, inhibiting sexual response, while SES is like the accelerator, promoting it.
• Desire Regulation: The balance between these two systems determines an individual's level of sexual desire.