I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

A Memoir

With raw, honest, and surprisingly humorous prose, I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is a memoir about living with dysthymia (persistent mild depression) and anxiety, told through the author's conversations with her psychiatrist, that became a runaway bestseller in Korea and has resonated with readers around the world.

Author:

Baek Sehee

Published Year:

2022-11-01

4.7
The New York Times Best Sellers Badge
4.7
(
5795
Ratings )
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I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki
Baek Sehee
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Key Takeaways: I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

Embracing Emotional Cycles and Self-Acceptance

Have you ever felt like you're constantly battling your own emotions, swinging between feeling down and desperately seeking a pick-me-up?

"Have you ever felt like you're constantly battling your own emotions, swinging between feeling down and desperately seeking a pick-me-up?" **Embracing Emotional Cycles and Self-Acceptance** This book, "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki," is not about providing easy answers, but rather about embarking on a journey of self-discovery, particularly for those who struggle with emotional ups and downs. It acknowledges that life is full of these cycles, and that's perfectly normal. The author, Baek Sehee, doesn't present herself as a mental health expert, but as someone sharing her personal struggles, making the book incredibly relatable. The core message here is about accepting your emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, without judgment. It's a departure from the typical "positive thinking" advice. Instead of forcing yourself to be happy, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. This doesn't mean you should dwell on negativity, but it means creating space for genuine self-acceptance. "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" encourages readers to be more compassionate towards themselves and others. Understanding underlying patterns of insecurity, like those stemming from childhood experiences, can help us better understand seemingly dramatic or attention-seeking behaviors. It's about recognizing that these behaviors are often signs of deeper insecurities.

The Complexity of Relationships and Self-Love

Because I don't love myself, I am unable to understand those who do love me in spite of it all, and so I test them.

"First, let's look at the core struggle Baek Sehee faces: the cycle of low self-esteem and emotional dependency." **Breaking the Cycle of Low Self-Esteem and Emotional Dependency** Baek Sehee, in "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki," grapples with a constant need for validation from others, while simultaneously doubting their sincerity. This cycle extends to her relationships, friendships, and even her work. She excels professionally but finds that this success only temporarily boosts her self-worth, leading to stress about achieving even better results. This pattern highlights a form of co-dependency, not just on people, but also on external achievements. The book encourages readers to notice these patterns in their own lives. When do you feel that intense need for approval? What situations trigger it? Awareness of the cycle is the first step towards breaking it. The book "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" emphasizes that breaking free from this cycle involves recognizing and addressing the underlying insecurities that fuel it. It's about understanding that self-worth shouldn't be contingent on external validation, whether it comes from relationships or professional achievements.

"Because I don't love myself, I am unable to understand those who do love me in spite of it all, and so I test them." **The Complexity of Relationships and Self-Love**. "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" delves into the complexities of love and relationships, particularly for those with low self-esteem. Baek Sehee realizes that she often tests people's love for her, pushing them away as if to prove she's unlovable. This is a common pattern for individuals who struggle with self-love. The book highlights that there's no quick fix for deep-seated emotional issues in relationships. It's a process of exploration and trial and error. The journey of self-discovery in the context of relationships is ongoing and often messy. "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" encourages readers to reflect on their own relationship patterns. Do you find yourself testing others' love or pushing people away? Understanding these patterns is crucial for building healthier and more fulfilling connections. The book emphasizes the importance of self-love as a foundation for healthy relationships.

Balancing Societal Expectations and Authentic Self-Expression

I'm trying to say, *Look at what a deep, cool person I am*.

"Next, the book highlights a fascinating tool Baek Sehee uses: recording her therapy sessions and other important conversations." **The Power of Self-Reflection Through Recording and Journaling** In "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki," Baek Sehee uses a unique tool for self-reflection: recording her therapy sessions and other significant conversations. She finds that she's often too tense during interactions to remember what was said, and by re-listening, she gains a clearer understanding of her thoughts and behaviors. This practice is not about self-criticism, but about self-understanding. It's about creating space for reflection. While recording every conversation might be extreme, the book suggests trying it in situations where you feel particularly anxious or unsure of yourself. The goal is to understand your reactions and communication patterns, not to judge yourself. "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" shows how this method can reveal patterns and habits that might otherwise go unnoticed. It's a powerful tool for personal growth and self-awareness, allowing for a deeper understanding of one's inner world.

"I'm trying to say, *Look at what a deep, cool person I am*." **Balancing Societal Expectations and Authentic Self-Expression** "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" reflects on the societal pressure to present a perfect image, especially in the age of social media. Baek Sehee admits to posting curated images designed to show off her taste and depth, reflecting a desire for external validation. The book challenges us to question this constant performance. Are we living authentically, or are we trapped in a cycle of seeking validation through external appearances? It highlights the tension between accepting our imperfections and striving for self-improvement, a struggle that many people face in today's hyper-connected world. "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" encourages readers to strive for authentic self-expression, rather than conforming to societal expectations. It's about finding a balance between presenting ourselves in a positive light and being true to our genuine selves, imperfections and all.

The Power of Embracing Vulnerability and Imperfection

Why are you trying to be brave? Why are you trying to be confident? Just go ahead and feel what you feel. Don't cheer up!

"Why are you trying to be brave? Why are you trying to be confident? Just go ahead and feel what you feel. Don't cheer up!" The Power of Embracing Vulnerability and Imperfection. This quote, highlighted in "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki", challenges the conventional wisdom of always putting on a brave face. The psychiatrist in the book emphasizes the importance of embracing imperfections and accepting emotions, even uncomfortable ones, without judgment. This is a radical departure from typical "positive thinking" advice. It's an invitation to allow ourselves to feel what we're feeling, creating space for genuine self-acceptance. The book suggests that sometimes, the most helpful thing someone can do is simply acknowledge our pain and allow us to feel it, offering empathy and validation rather than forced positivity. "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" emphasizes that true strength lies in vulnerability and the acceptance of our imperfections. It's about recognizing that we don't need to be extraordinary or flawless to be worthy of love and acceptance. This message is particularly powerful in a culture that often emphasizes perfection and constant self-improvement.

The Ongoing Journey of Self-Discovery

I think I wanted to show how much I'd improved, I wanted some kind of grand finale. I thought that was the proper way to end a book.

"I think I wanted to show how much I'd improved, I wanted some kind of grand finale. I thought that was the proper way to end a book." **The Ongoing Journey of Self-Discovery** "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" embraces the ambiguity of life and healing, acknowledging that they are rarely linear. Baek Sehee reflects on her desire to present a "perfect" ending to her book, showing significant improvement, but ultimately realizes that this isn't realistic. The book ends not with answers, but with a wish: "I want to love and be loved. I want to find a way where I don't hurt myself." This honesty is what makes the book so compelling. It's not a self-help manual with prescribed steps; it's a raw and vulnerable exploration of one person's journey. "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" reminds us that the journey of self-discovery is ongoing, and that it's okay to not have all the answers. It's about embracing the messy process and focusing on small, meaningful steps towards self-acceptance and genuine connection. The book's ending emphasizes hope and the continued pursuit of self-love and healthy relationships.

What the Book About

  • Cyclical Nature of Low Self-Esteem: Baek Sehee in "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" struggles with needing constant external validation, yet doubting its sincerity, leading to a loop of anxiety and resentment in relationships and work.
  • Self-Reflection Through Recording: The author of "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" records therapy sessions and conversations to gain a clearer understanding of her thoughts and behaviors, promoting self-awareness, not self-criticism.
  • Societal Pressure and Authenticity: "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" explores the pressure to present a perfect image, especially on social media, challenging readers to question the constant performance and seek authentic self-expression.
  • Histrionic Personality Disorder (Mentioned): While not a diagnosis, the book "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" touches upon characteristics like intense self-consciousness and emotional reactions, linking them to past experiences of bullying and judgment.
  • Embracing Imperfection: "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" emphasizes accepting imperfections and ordinary feelings, challenging the need to be extraordinary or constantly positive. The psychiatrist says:
    "Why are you trying to be brave? Why are you trying to be confident? Just go ahead and feel what you feel. Don't cheer up!"
  • Complexities of Love and Relationships: Baek Sehee in "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" reflects on testing people's love due to low self-esteem, highlighting the pattern of pushing people away.
  • Ongoing Journey of Self-Discovery: The book "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" acknowledges that there's no quick fix for emotional issues; it's a process of exploration and embracing ambiguity.
  • The Power of Words: "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" highlights the impact of validating words over forced positivity, emphasizing empathy.
  • Influence of Parental Figures: The author's mother's self-castigation in "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" impacted Baek Sehee's self-esteem, reminding us of the messages we send to children.
  • Unflinching Honesty: "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" is praised for its vulnerability, revealing flaws and insecurities, making it relatable and impactful.
  • Navigating Societal Expectations: "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" addresses the pressure, particularly on young women, to meet unspoken expectations in the workplace, highlighting ageism and gender bias.
  • "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance.

Who Should Read the Book

  • Individuals experiencing persistent low-grade depression (dysthymia) or general feelings of sadness and anxiety.
  • People who struggle with low self-esteem, emotional dependency, and a constant need for external validation.
  • Those who find themselves caught in cycles of seeking approval and then feeling pressure to maintain that approval.
  • Anyone interested in exploring the use of self-reflection tools like recording conversations and journaling for better self-understanding.
  • Readers who resonate with the struggle to balance societal expectations (especially related to appearance, success, and "perfection") with authentic self-expression.
  • People who have experienced or are interested in the dynamics of therapy sessions and the process of unpacking emotional baggage.
  • Individuals who feel intense self-consciousness and worry excessively about how others perceive them.
  • Those who have a history of being bullied or feeling judged, leading to lasting self-doubt.
  • People who tend to test the love of others or push people away due to their own feelings of unworthiness.
  • Readers looking for a raw, honest, and vulnerable account of one person's mental health journey, rather than a prescriptive self-help guide.
  • Anyone who appreciates a book that embraces ambiguity and imperfection, acknowledging that healing is not a linear process.
  • Those interested in the impact of parental influence on self-esteem and the power of words.
  • Individuals navigating the challenges of ageism and gender bias, particularly in the workplace.
  • Readers of "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" will find familiarity in the themes.

In essence, "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" is for anyone who has ever felt lost, imperfect, or like they're constantly battling their own emotions. It's a book about finding solace in shared experiences and embracing the messy, ongoing journey of self-discovery. The book "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" offers a relatable and honest portrayal of these struggles. Readers looking for a story about self-acceptance and the complexities of mental health in "I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki" will find it here.

Plot Devices

Characters

FAQ

How does [core concept] manifest in Baek Sehee's 'I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki'?

  • Ambivalence of Desires: The complex feelings of wanting to die but also experiencing mundane desires, like craving tteokbokki.
  • Persistent Low Self-Esteem: The author's consistent struggle with low self-esteem and self-doubt throughout the book.
  • Therapy Sessions: The therapeutic relationship and discussions between Sehee and her psychiatrist.
  • Sense of Alienation: The author's feelings of being an outsider, different, and unable to connect with others.
  • Cyclical Depression: The book explores the cyclical nature of depressive episodes and the author's relapses.
  • Internal Critic: The subtle but constant self-criticism and negative self-talk present in the author's thoughts.
  • Seeking Solace: The author's attempts to find comfort and meaning in everyday activities, like eating.
  • Masking Emotions: The struggle to maintain a facade of normalcy while dealing with inner turmoil.

How does 'I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki' by Baek Sehee illustrate the concept of [core concept]?

  • Contradictory Feelings: Ambivalence of Desires refers to the simultaneous presence of contradictory feelings, such as wanting to die but also wanting to eat tteokbokki, highlighting the complexity of human emotions.
  • Internal Conflict: A practical example is the author's internal conflict between ending her life and the simple pleasure of enjoying a specific food.
  • Survival Instinct: Psychologically, this ambivalence reveals the ongoing struggle between despair and the basic human instinct for survival and pleasure.

What role does [core concept] play in Baek Sehee's narrative in 'I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki'?

  • Self-Deprecation: Persistent Low Self-Esteem is a constant theme, characterized by the author's self-deprecating thoughts and feelings of inadequacy.
  • Questioning Self-Worth: This manifests in her constant questioning of her worth and her difficulty in accepting compliments or positive feedback.
  • Negative Self-Perception: The underlying mechanism is often a negative self-perception reinforced by past experiences and cognitive distortions.

How are [core concept] depicted in 'I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki' by Baek Sehee?

  • Dialogue and Exploration: Therapy Sessions form the core structure of the book, providing a space for Sehee to explore her thoughts and feelings.
  • Insight and Understanding: These sessions offer insights into her mental state and the process of understanding and managing her depression.
  • Supportive Environment: The therapeutic relationship provides a supportive environment for self-discovery and potential healing.

How does Baek Sehee explore the [core concept] in 'I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki'?

  • Disconnection: Sense of Alienation is the feeling of being disconnected from others and the world, a common experience in depression.
  • Feeling Misunderstood: Sehee often feels like an outsider, struggling to relate to those around her and feeling misunderstood.
  • Social Anxiety: This alienation can stem from a combination of internal factors, such as low self-esteem, and external factors, such as social anxiety.

What is the significance of [core concept] in 'I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki' by Baek Sehee?

  • Recurring Episodes: Cyclical Depression refers to the recurring nature of depressive episodes, with periods of relative stability followed by relapses.
  • Ups and Downs: The book illustrates the ups and downs of Sehee's mental health journey, highlighting the challenges of managing a chronic condition.
  • Biological Predispositions: This cyclical pattern can be influenced by various factors, including stress, life events, and underlying biological predispositions.

How does the [core concept] affect the protagonist in 'I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki' by Baek Sehee?

  • Self-Criticism: The Internal Critic is the voice of self-doubt and negative self-talk that constantly undermines self-worth.
  • Harsh Judgments: Sehee's internal critic is harsh and persistent, contributing to her feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness.
  • Internalized Beliefs: This internal critic can be a manifestation of internalized negative beliefs and experiences.

What does [core concept] represent in Baek Sehee's 'I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki'?

  • Finding Comfort: Seeking Solace is the act of finding comfort and relief from distress, often in small, everyday pleasures.
  • Momentary Escape: For Sehee, eating tteokbokki represents a momentary escape from her emotional pain.
  • Coping Mechanisms: This search for solace highlights the human need for comfort and the importance of finding coping mechanisms.

In 'I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki,' how does Baek Sehee use [core concept] to interact with the world?

  • Concealing Feelings: Masking Emotions is the act of concealing one's true feelings and presenting a facade of normalcy.
  • Fear of Judgment: Sehee often hides her depression from others, fearing judgment or misunderstanding.
  • Defense Mechanism: This masking can be a defense mechanism to protect oneself from vulnerability, but it can also be isolating.

Inspirational Quotes & Insights

I don't know. I want to be loved, and I want to love. I want to be a good person. I want to be happy. But I don't know how to get there. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why I'm so sad all the time. I don't know why I'm so angry all the time. I don't know why I'm so lonely all the time. I don't know why I'm so tired all the time. I don't know why I'm so anxious all the time. I don't know why I'm so depressed all the time. I don't know why I'm so self-destructive all the time. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with death all the time. I don't know why I'm so afraid of death all the time. I don't know why I'm so confused all the time. I don't know why I'm so lost all the time. I don't know why I'm so hopeless all the time. I don't know why I'm so helpless all the time. I don't know why I'm so worthless all the time. I don't know why I'm so unlovable all the time. I don't know why I'm so broken all the time. I don't know why I'm so messed up all the time. I don't know why I'm so fucked up all the time. I don't know why I'm so crazy all the time. I don't know why I'm so insane all the time. I don't know why I'm so out of control all the time. I don't know why I'm so irrational all the time. I don't know why I'm so illogical all the time. I don't know why I'm so unreasonable all the time. I don't know why I'm so demanding all the time. I don't know why I'm so needy all the time. I don't know why I'm so clingy all the time. I don't know why I'm so insecure all the time. I don't know why I'm so jealous all the time. I don't know why I'm so envious all the time. I don't know why I'm so resentful all the time. I don't know why I'm so bitter all the time. I don't know why I'm so hateful all the time. I don't know why I'm so spiteful all the time. I don't know why I'm so vindictive all the time. I don't know why I'm so cruel all the time. I don't know why I'm so mean all the time. I don't know why I'm so nasty all the time. I don't know why I'm so rude all the time. I don't know why I'm so disrespectful all the time. I don't know why I'm so inconsiderate all the time. I don't know why I'm so thoughtless all the time. I don't know why I'm so selfish all the time. I don't know why I'm so self-centered all the time. I don't know why I'm so egotistical all the time. I don't know why I'm so narcissistic all the time. I don't know why I'm so arrogant all the time. I don't know why I'm so conceited all the time. I don't know why I'm so vain all the time. I don't know why I'm so proud all the time. I don't know why I'm so boastful all the time. I don't know why I'm so pretentious all the time. I don't know why I'm so ostentatious all the time. I don't know why I'm so showy all the time. I don't know why I'm so flamboyant all the time. I don't know why I'm so extravagant all the time. I don't know why I'm so lavish all the time. I don't know why I'm so wasteful all the time. I don't know why I'm so excessive all the time. I don't know why I'm so immoderate all the time. I don't know why I'm so intemperate all the time. I don't know why I'm so unrestrained all the time. I don't know why I'm so uncontrolled all the time. I don't know why I'm so undisciplined all the time. I don't know why I'm so reckless all the time. I don't know why I'm so careless all the time. I don't know why I'm so negligent all the time. I don't know why I'm so irresponsible all the time. I don't know why I'm so unreliable all the time. I don't know why I'm so untrustworthy all the time. I don't know why I'm so dishonest all the time. I don't know why I'm so deceitful all the time. I don't know why I'm so treacherous all the time. I don't know why I'm so disloyal all the time. I don't know why I'm so unfaithful all the time. I don't know why I'm so traitorous all the time. I don't know why I'm so perfidious all the time. I don't know why I'm so two-faced all the time. I don't know why I'm so hypocritical all the time. I don't know why I'm so insincere all the time. I don't know why I'm so phony all the time. I don't know why I'm so fake all the time. I don't know why I'm so artificial all the time. I don't know why I'm so unnatural all the time. I don't know why I'm so contrived all the time. I don't know why I'm so forced all the time. I don't know why I'm so affected all the time. I don't know why I'm so mannered all the time. I don't know why I'm so stilted all the time. I don't know why I'm so stiff all the time. I don't know why I'm so formal all the time. I don't know why I'm so rigid all the time. I don't know why I'm so inflexible all the time. I don't know why I'm so unyielding all the time. I don't know why I'm so stubborn all the time. I don't know why I'm so obstinate all the time. I don't know why I'm so pigheaded all the time. I don't know why I'm so headstrong all the time. I don't know why I'm so willful all the time. I don't know why I'm so perverse all the time. I don't know why I'm so contrary all the time. I don't know why I'm so difficult all the time. I don't know why I'm so impossible all the time. I don't know why I'm so uncooperative all the time. I don't know why I'm so unhelpful all the time. I don't know why I'm so obstructive all the time. I don't know why I'm so resistant all the time. I don't know why I'm so defiant all the time. I don't know why I'm so rebellious all the time. I don't know why I'm so disobedient all the time. I don't know why I'm so insubordinate all the time. I don't know why I'm so unruly all the time. I don't know why I'm so disorderly all the time. I don't know why I'm so chaotic all the time. I don't know why I'm so turbulent all the time. I don't know why I'm so tumultuous all the time. I don't know why I'm so stormy all the time. I don't know why I'm so tempestuous all the time. I don't know why I'm so violent all the time. I don't know why I'm so aggressive all the time. I don't know why I'm so hostile all the time. I don't know why I'm so belligerent all the time. I don't know why I'm so combative all the time. I don't know why I'm so quarrelsome all the time. I don't know why I'm so argumentative all the time. I don't know why I'm so contentious all the time. I don't know why I'm so disputatious all the time. I don't know why I'm so litigious all the time.

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